The Tao Of Dad

If you are anything like me and countless other men on this planet who have healthy relationships with their fathers you’ve taken notice of the incredible evolution of admiration and love between a father and son.   Movies like The Lion King where the son (or in this case, the cub) spends his early years admiring his father until the day that he must take his place; or Big Fish where the dad is misunderstood and despised by the son until the young man realizes that he is just like the “old man”, depicts the typical tales of the father son relationship.

My father emigrated to the US from a small country in Central America named Belize.  There he spent his former years climbing trees, swinging from vines and living a generally care free Caribbean lifestyle.  His home had dirt floors, he shared a bedroom with his 5 other brothers, often sharing the same bed as well, and his father was a pig farmer.  My mother often jokes, “Your father was raised like a wild animal.”

The truth is that my dad was raised to be “wild”.  He would often go days without eating prepared food (although his mother DID cook great meals) on account that he was “out playing” , so he would simply fill his belly with wild growing fruits and eggs that he would steal from sitting hens.  He was enrolled in school, but would often choose to spend his days playing soccer with a coconut or catching fish with his bare hands in a nearby river instead.

Although his formal “education” may have been lacking, my father’s wisdom… realized along with snake bites and “butt whoopings”, far outweighs that which would be afforded by a modern university degree.  Upon first impression most typically conclude that my father is just another “brown skinned dude with a bad attitude”.  But beneath his rough and relentless exterior is a roaring flame of passion and excitement about life.  He often bears an giddy smile and randomly exclaims, “Man… life is awesome, huh?”

He has very little tolerance for laziness, mediocrity and people who call themselves “depressed”… and he’s not afraid to tell you about it.  People who come to my dad for advice get straight talk, he never reserves his harsh judgment in order to coddle your ego or enable dysfunctional behavior.  Consequently, fewer and fewer people come to him for advice.  But he is the first one that I go to when I’m unsure about a life principle.

Growing up “wild” had afforded my dad experiences that most people only read about in books.  The lessons he’d learned, his ability to apply them and his cantankerous form of communication has developed in my father what I call “Crude Wisdom”.

Although I have evolved into being able to understand, appreciate and even admire my father’s Crude Wisdom… there was a time that I despised him for it.  He would often make harsh, offensive and explicit statements like, “There is no such thing as having ‘friends’…” or “that woman is useless…” which would make most people think that he was insensitive and arrogant.  But as I have gotten older (30 this year) and have my own family, I find myself not only verbalizing these very statements but defending them in my mind and using them as a frame work for my values system.

Below I have listed several Crude Wisdom remarks that I remember my father reiterating throughout my childhood.  Below each one, I give a valid interpretation that I know he would affirm and approve of.

WARNING! – if you are overly sensitive or easily offended by harsh realities then DO NOT READ the rest of this article.  But, if you enjoy wisdom and truth in ALL of its most pragmatic and practical forms… enjoy!

#1 – “YOU just take care of YOUR shit and don’t worry about anybody else!”

Jesus once said the same exact thing but he used a little bit more diplomacy, “Why do you look at the speck of dust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye?”

BOTH meaning to say — that instead of pointing fingers, being a victim of or complaining about other people… take a good look at yourself and where YOU may be causing pain or dysfunction in your life and the lives of others.

Spend more time working on YOURSELF than worrying about the inadequacies of other people!

#2 – “Do you want me to tell you, ‘You did a good job’?”

Don’t expect praise or pay for sloppy service.  It’s funny how many people feel ENTITLED to payment, praise and acceptance when they have only offered a half-hearted effort. They want to be told or shown appreciation where none is really due.

For example… I had once spent several hours cleaning the living room in our home, when I told my father that I was complete, he strolled into the room and immediately began pointing out all of the spots that I had missed.  In the typically rebellious teenage manner I charged my dad for not being appreciative and being overly critical.

He then asked me… “Well, would you LIKE me to tell you that you did a great job? — even though you didn’t?” Then he began to demonstrate sarcastically as if he were proud of me and the wonderful job I did cleaning the living room.  His fake praise and sardonic show of appreciation was ridiculous– and it taught me that I was ridiculous for expecting it!

#3 – “You need to be BRAINWASHED!”

Just think about the word “brainwash”.  Besides it’s negative associations, it is really an incredible word!  Consider that most of us are walking around with a brain full of garbage.  Bad habits and conditioning, negative thoughts, poor self esteem and the 7 O’clock News all sully our brains.  It may actually be a GREAT thing to wash your brain every once in a while!

Because my dad is notorious for being brutally honest… whenever extended family members, cousins and friends have hit the absolute rock bottom in their lives they would often seek his advice (but usually never return for another dose!).

I remember a time when someone (I won’t say who) came to my dad for some family and relationship advice.  When they concluded their story, my father explained that they needed to be “brainwashed”.  But the crude sound of that term was so offensive to the receiving party that they argued that my dad was cold hearted and mean.  But, they should have understood that that’s the type of term you should expect when you go seeking Crude Wisdom!

I have taken my dad’s advice and “wash” my brain daily through meditation.

#4 – “Go do something… I don’t care what it is!” / “You have to FEEL some pain”

Often times when people are upset or unsure about a decision to be made they “sit on the fence”, waiting for something magical to happen.  They become paralyzed by their fear and indecision and end up depressed.  These people are more interested in maintaining their false sense of stability rather than expose themselves to the possibility of failure.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.”

My father’s point is that ACTION breeds confidence!  Rather than sitting down and making yourself sick, get up and do SOMETHING… ANYTHING, it really doesn’t matter what.  He taught me that in order to grow you are going to need to feel some pain.  And that if you can accept that WHICHEVER choice you make will be the “wrong one” and develop the courage to act anyway… then you will be a success.

You can’t tip toe your way through life being afraid of failure.

#5 – “This is just the way I am… and I don’t give a shit if you like me or not!”

Most people move through life in a very apologetic manner.  They seem as if the are constantly apologizing for who they are — but not my dad.  He says what he thinks, does whatever he wants and gets results “with or without you”, and whether you like him or not.  Either way he doesn’t care.  “Don’t do me any favors” is another one of his favorite terms.

“I’m not going to change just because YOU have a problem with me… that’s YOUR problem, not mine.” This may sound arrogant and mean to someone who doesn’t have a keen sense for Crude Wisdom,  but if you listen a little closer and pay attention to the context in which it’s relayed…. this is one of the most profound statements that my old man has ever shouted.

Contrary to appearance, my father exhibits a great deal of humility, he thanks God for all of his blessings and helps anyone who is willing to help themselves,  but understand that he also balances this equally with a great deal of confidence and self respect.  These are 3 values that many men lack today.

Fathers Day is in 3 days…I invite you to consider all of the ways that your father has taught you to be a man.  Like my father, his words may have not been the kindest and he may have even been absent, but you learned SOMETHING from him.  And he has had a hand in the shaping of your mind and character.

Please comment below with a short story about your dad and maybe even how you plan on showing him your appreciation this weekend.

To my dad, Edmund Hulse… I bow to your Crude Wisdom and all that it has taught me

Happy Father’s Day!